MY BLOG

It Continues

More thoughts, March 10, 2024

I did not feel better. In fact, I could barely sleep last night. I kept going over and over in my head about what I could’ve done wrong, what things I might’ve said, what thing I did to hasten the end of a friend group I’d grown to love and cherish deeply. In the wee hours of the morning, as the sun began to rise, I finally fell to slumber. When I awoke to check if my plans for the day were still taking place with family, I found myself still thinking about this.

It weighed on me all morning during a hangout with a friend.

They’re in both servers.

I wondered if I should ask.

At one point I asked this friend if they were thinking about attending the movie rewatch with drinking game in my server. Said friend said they weren’t sure and they got confused because of the separation. I didn’t mention anything to them about me having discovered the popularity of the other server. So, I asked for clarification about what the friend meant.

They didn’t respond.

It was like a knife twisting in my gut.

We continued watching the movie as if nothing had been asked.

Eventually, unable to withstand the torment of my own mind, I called my sister and spoke about my feelings. She assured me that my reaction was valid and that she was sorry that other people had done this to me. I’m not sure I was looking for pity, but it was nice to have an ear to speak into.

I must’ve done something.

Must’ve said something.

Because I’d rather a world in which I made a mistake or several than one in which people would choose to be mean or uncaring. Surely, they had to know how much I’d come to adore everyone and the interactions I had with them. Maybe I didn’t say it enough. Maybe I said it too much.

Still, it aches.

If this wasn’t done specifically to exclude me, why wasn’t it ever mentioned in my server?

“Hey! We know this server is more geared towards X ship, so we’ve made another server for other ships. Please feel free to join!”

I feel a little empty, if we’re being honest.

I hadn’t really understood how much of a grasp this server had on my mental health.

When its gradual decline had been natural, I was working through it.

Now its decline is due to people choosing to be an adjacent elsewhere, it’s much harder to say it has not taken a toll on my ability to think. It’s like I’m taking psychic damage every second.

I look back to my first blogpost here and I have to laugh about my paragraph about yearning for connection. I thought some aspect of me had found it in others in my server. It’s funny because it turns out all along it’s been one-sided. What a comedy for the ages, surely.

Damn, I wish I weren’t so sad.

I don’t want to feel bad about this.