MY BLOG

A Feeling

It sinks, March 12, 2024

Spent today out with family. Had some lunch and watched Dune: Part 2. It was pretty good. I’ve already gone into depth about my feelings on the film with a friend. Suffice to say I don’t feel like we were given good cause for Paul’s decision to accept his role in the holy war. One second it was, “No, I won’t be involved in the deaths of billions!” and then it was, “Let’s goooooooo, bois! Call me god the way I’m about to smote untold populations.” Blue goo aside, I don’t feel the audience was given justification enough.

The film was overall really enjoyable and immersive.

It was good to distract myself.

Because in the furthest part of my mind I was still thinking about the stupid fucking server stuff.

In other good news, I got paid for my first copyedit. Somehow that’s what I’m doing now. I’ve been proofreading on and off for around four years now, and I’ve always loved the written word, so I guess this was the next natural step.

But please don’t expect such perfection from these blogposts. I do these for fun and to release thoughts and tension. I wonder if I should add a contact form to these. I don’t really know if it’s better to leave this utterly anonymous other than details I let slip, or if I should allow myself to engage. Engage with who though? Who even knows if anyone actually reads these. Though apparently my site got 105 views? That’s far more than I would’ve ever expected. Maybe screaming into the void really is a way to get people to listen.

Nah.

It’s probably because I update fairly regularly, and I keep appearing in the most recently updated section of neocities. I think I need to look up if there’s a way to opt out of that. I kinda like the idea that this is my own little private garden. I guess that’s false though. Nothing on the internet is safe from being found by others.

When I was younger, I used to spend time putting in random words into the browser address bar followed by “.com.” I came across of really interesting things like that. I studied film production in uni, well, that was my main study anyway. I can’t remember what word I typed in, but I found a website dedicated to someone’s filmography that hadn’t been updated for a few years. But it sounded like they were intending on making more documentaries and it really intrigued me. The site had a contact form, so I sent through an email asking about his projects and what he got up to and if he remembered the website. I never expected to get anything back. But I did. He told me everything between when he made the site and what projects he worked on and that he was still making things. It reminded me that there are people out there living lives you’ll never know about.

And that was really quite amazing and beautiful to me.

I think that’s why I like neocities. I browsed a couple people’s websites too and came across so much stuff I’ve loved. Thank you for everyone who makes their sites to amuse and entertain. Unfortunately, I guess mine isn’t the same as that. This is my thoughts and venting platform. I’d usually do this on Tumblr, but I think this is a better place for it. This feels right.

I am not sure how much longer I’ll keep these going.

For now, it’s just helping, you know?

I think.

Because its still like lead weight in the pit of my stomach.

Churning my insides.

IT’S BEEN THREE DAYS.

I’m emotionally exhausted from this.

I sat down on the floor today and stared blankly into the distance for long enough to disassociate and lose track of time. I was there for half an hour. I’m tired of this.

I want to blast some music and dance wildly to get my thoughts off this, but it’s midnight on a Monday. I don’t think my neighbours would appreciate it.

So, what am I doing to cope?

It might be childish, but I’ve set my Discord profile to invisible. Not like anyone would really notice anyway. But it makes me feel like I’ve done something. What precisely? I couldn’t tell you.

I think it’s a bit like scrambling to have any type of control over the situation. And I’ll take whatever scrap I can get. It makes me feel a bit better. Just a bit.

The feeling is beginning to change though. To shift ever so slightly from sadness to frustration. I worry it might continue on this slippery slope into anger. Who knows what I’d be capable on a full-blown rage bender? Probably nothing, if I’m being honest. The most drastic thing I’ve ever done when emotionally compromised was leave a friend chat that most of my friends had already left.

Oh.

History might truly repeat itself.